i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
