I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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