Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize