Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
