My friends, they love my intelligence
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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