If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
