you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
