It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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