just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
