You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
