I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
nutella sex= disaster
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
