nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
