Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
