i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
