I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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