Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
