I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
