Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
