so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize