Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
