nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
