Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dick very happy bro
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
