its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We need to feng shui this bitch.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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