That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
