It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
bring money and cleavage
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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