soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
