and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
