i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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