I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
