Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
