you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
