we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
