I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
