first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
