the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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