the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
