Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
