I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
