no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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