omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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