I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
