Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
