You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
