I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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