Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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