he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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