I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
