You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
