I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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