I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
