just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
