Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
be right there i have to get my cape
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
