Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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