The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize