I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
