I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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