I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
